Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practitioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the general practitioner who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky soon thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards and he fired without hesitation. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him: "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
Friday, August 31, 2007
Circus Duck
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck!"
"Your eyes work", replies the duck, wryly.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"And your ears", says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".
"Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that... it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
The landlord watches, astounded, as the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
The duck visits regularly for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The owner of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvelous", says the owner, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck inquires, a bit bemused.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"What, the place with the big tent?. Big canvas roof, hole in the middle, loads of animals?", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. "Why would they want a bricklayer?"
"Your eyes work", replies the duck, wryly.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"And your ears", says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".
"Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that... it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
The landlord watches, astounded, as the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
The duck visits regularly for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The owner of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvelous", says the owner, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck inquires, a bit bemused.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"What, the place with the big tent?. Big canvas roof, hole in the middle, loads of animals?", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. "Why would they want a bricklayer?"
Three Kicks For a Duck
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it."
The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you."
The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.
The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it."
The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you."
The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.
Pigs and Ducks
A woman walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey where'd you get the pig?"
The women says "This isn't a pig it's a duck"
The bartender says "No, I was talking to the duck!"
The women says "This isn't a pig it's a duck"
The bartender says "No, I was talking to the duck!"
Three Kicks For a Duck
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it."
The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you."
The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.
The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it."
The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you."
The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.
Ducks To Go
A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver, informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he doesn't know what to do with them anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.
The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck barreling down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!" "I did," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"
The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck barreling down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!" "I did," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"
Got Any Duck Food?
A duck walks into a store and asks, "Got any duck food?"
The clerk replies, "No, I'm sorry, but this is a book store."
The next day the duck walks into the same store and asks, "Got any duck food?"
"No, I told you yesterday - this is a book store."
The next day the duck walks into the same store and asks, "Got any duck food?"
"What's the matter with you? I told you No twice already - if you ask me one more time I'll nail your little flat feet to the floor!"
The third day the duck walks into the same store and asks,"Got any nails?"
"Nails? Of course not! This is a book store."
"Good. Got any duck food?"
The clerk replies, "No, I'm sorry, but this is a book store."
The next day the duck walks into the same store and asks, "Got any duck food?"
"No, I told you yesterday - this is a book store."
The next day the duck walks into the same store and asks, "Got any duck food?"
"What's the matter with you? I told you No twice already - if you ask me one more time I'll nail your little flat feet to the floor!"
The third day the duck walks into the same store and asks,"Got any nails?"
"Nails? Of course not! This is a book store."
"Good. Got any duck food?"
Evolution at Work
Why do ducks have flat feet?
From stomping out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stomping out flaming ducks.
From stomping out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stomping out flaming ducks.
Dead Duck
A woman brought a very limp duck to the veterinarian's office. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet duck Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the lab and led it out of the exam room. He returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. She screamed, "$150.00!" "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150.00."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the lab and led it out of the exam room. He returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. She screamed, "$150.00!" "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150.00."
Ducks in Heaven
Ducks in Heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: don't step on the ducks."
They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man."
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He is tall, tanned, slim and muscular.
St Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman, thinking that this is great, remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity."
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: don't step on the ducks."
They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man."
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He is tall, tanned, slim and muscular.
St Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman, thinking that this is great, remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity."
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
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