Me and my Boss

M E and MY BOSS


When I Take a long time to finish,
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough




When I don't do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it,
he is busy,



When I do something without being told,
I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same,
he takes the initiative,



When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss,
He is cooperating ,



When I make a mistake,
I' am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake,
He's only human.



When I am out of the office,
I am a vagabond.
When my boss is out of the office,
He's on business.



When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick,
He must be very ill.



When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an interview .
When my boss applies for leave,
it's because he's overworked



When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong,
he never forget s

Customer Support for u .........!!!!

Ever thought how complicated or funny the " Customer Support " in Computer field ????
Well, Check this out...

**** AND YOU THOUGHT BPO JOB IS EASY !!!! ??? ****
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!
=================================



Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...



===============



Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....


===============


Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


===============


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


===============


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


============== =


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


===============


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


===============


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


===============


Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?


== =============


Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


===============


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


===============


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


===============


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


===============


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."


===============


And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

Some Timepass

Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
-------------------------------------------
Customer : Waiter, do you serve pigs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
-------------------------------------------
Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?
------------------------------------------
Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
-------------------------------------------
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
--------------------------------------------
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
-----------------------------------------------
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
-----------------------------------------------
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?
----------------------------------------------
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take
this train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
-----------------------------------------------
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and
the game went into extra time.
----------------------------------------
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
----------------------------------------------
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have
a scotch and soda."
---------------------------------------------
Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in
two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.
------------------------------------------------
An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.
-------------------------------------------
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
-------------------------------------------
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

Really good one. J
---------------------------------------------
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
------------------------------------------------
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Sardar

1 A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after
Every 10 sec a
woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.

2 Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r
others running?

3 Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence
into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".

4 Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was
not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary
Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!

5 Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant
it's already raining. Sardar: So what? Take an
umbrella and go.

6 Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer
gave 11cr after
deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else
return my 20 Rs
back.

7 Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have
posted it....

8 Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die like my grandpa who died
peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the
passengers in the
car he was driving..

9 Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible
looking thing is
what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!

10 Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.

11 Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local
sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still
digging for more..

12 A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not
in the morning. Sardarji replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".

13 Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the
problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be
greater than this one?

14 Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

15 Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Who said that Sardars are fools??? NO NEED OF SAYING.......

80,000 sardars meet in the gurunanak stadium, for a
"Sardars Are Not Stupid" Convention.



The leader says,
"We are all here today to prove to the world that Sardars are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"


A sardar gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"


After 15 or 20 seconds he says, "Eighteen!"


Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.


Then 80,000 sardars start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"


The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting
80,000 Of you in one place and we have the worldwide press and global broadcast media here, uh, I guess we can give him another chance."


So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"


After nearly 30 seconds he eventually Says, "Ninety?"


The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected
Sigh - everyone is disheartened, the sardar starts crying and the
80,000 sardars begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,


"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"


The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more ha than damage,
eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance What is 2 plus 2?"


The surd closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"


Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 surdies jump To their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...


............ ......... ......... ......... .......


............ ......... ......... ........


............ ......... ......... ..


............ ......... .....


............ ........


............ ....


............ ..


............


..........


........


....


..


.



"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE"

joke

LalooYadav's car is driving along a backcountry road on the way back to Patna, when all of a sudden a piglet jumps out in front of the car...
The piglet dies on the spot. Laloo, upset, tells the chauffeur to go find the owner of the piglet so that he can pay the damages...
The driver is gone for two hours and when he comes back, he has a bag full of money, and a wondering look on his face. Laloo wants to know what happened. The driver tells him "Hum jab gaanv me pahuncha to dekha kuchh log ped ke niche baithe hain. Jub hum unko bataya ki kya hua hai,tab sare log jama ho gaye. Humko laga ki aaj to hamari pitayee hogee.Par hum dekha ki sare log paisa jama kar rahe hain. Hum socha ki ye sara paisa wo janvar ke malik ke liye hai. Par un logo ne saara paisa hamein de diya, aur kaha "bahut achchha kaam kiya hai re bhaiya"
Laloo says "Sasoor ka natee, Theek theek bata. Tu unko kya bola tha? " The driver replies "Hum kaha ki hum Laloo Yadav ka driver hoon aur hum us sooar ka bachcha ko maar diya hoon"

Stupid questions and intelligent answers

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..


2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.


3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?


4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.


5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.


6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.


7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.


8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I'm shedding......


9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.


10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Sardar Jokes

-
sardar - is mirror ki kya guarantee hai?
shopkeeper - aap ise 100 floor se neeche feko, yeh 99 floor tak nahi tutega.
sardar - wow, pack it.


A newly passed sardar doctor
after finishing the first operation
of his carrer bent on his knees,
looked towards the sky and said,
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
..
.
.
hey kaali maa, meri
pehli bhet sweekar karo.




santa - kal dad kuwein mein gir gaye,
bahut chot lagi, kafi chilla rahe the.
banta - ab kaise hai?
santa - thik hi hoge, kal raat se kuwein
mein se koi awaaz nahi aayi.





sardar bar mein ro raha tha.
bar owner ne pucha,
kya hua paaji, kyu ro rahe ho?
sardar - oye, kya karu yaar, main
jis ladki kaa naam bhulna chahta tha
uska naam yaad nahi aa raha.





American - our dogs find Bombs
.
.
.
.
Japanese - Our fish plays Football
.
.
.
..
sardar - yeh toh kuch bhi nahi hai,
hamare toh gadhe bhi padh lete hai.





wife - suna hai, swarg mein pati-patni
ko saath mein nahi rehne dete.
husband - are pagli, tabhi toh use swarg kehte hai.





sardar in market with a parrot on his shoulder.
friend asks - kaha se liya yeh jaanwar?



parrot replies - punjab se..


try
to
understand,
and
don't
disturb
me.
leave
me
alone.
last
night
i
didn't
sleep
just
thinking
of
u.
so
don't
play
with
my
life.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
sardar
telling
to
a
mosquito.






sardar travelling from delhi to bombay, for the first time in flight
when the plane landed, he shouted Bombay..., Bombay...
air hostess - sshhhh...., be silent.
sardar - achcha, Ombay...., Ombay.

A SOFT Prayer !!!

Oh God Almighty!!
May my password get accepted
And my explorer get connected

Help me upload my data forever
Not let a hanged out server

Keep my floppies working in their drive
Give me place to back up hard drive

Help send my emails faster
Shield me from virus disaster

Scan my folders without fail
And filter out all junk mail

Give my entire download a surge
Stop my files From getting the purge

Help me find more bugs
Help giving orders for debugs

Keep my client working
And stop my boss barking

Keep my processor fit n fine
Allow it to always work overtime

May i always get access
And my products get great success

Brain Teasers

1. What is the easiest way to throw a ball, have it stop, and completely reverse direction after traveling a short distance?
Ans. Scroll Down for answer

2. What is at the beginning of eternity, the end of time, the beginning of every end, and the end of every place?
Ans. Scroll Down for answer

3. When things go wrong, what can you always count on?
Ans. Scroll Down for answer

4. What is always behind you but you can never touch it?
Ans. Scroll Down for answer

5. I am never the first to speak but I am always the last to be heard. Who am I?
Ans. Scroll Down for answer

6. We were born of the same mother, on the same day, at the same hour and in the same year. Yet we are not twins. How do you explain this?
Ans. Scroll Down for answer

7. Two fathers and two sons were seated round a table. There were four apples on the table. Each of them took one apple and ate it entirely yet there was still one apple left on the table. How was this possible?
Ans. Scroll Down for answer

8. Before Mount Everest was discovered which was the highest mountain in the world?
Ans. Scroll Down for answer

9. Here everything is not always in order. For example, Friday comes before Thursday, the cart comes before the horse, the driver comes before the employer. Where are we?
Ans. Scroll Down for answer

10. When I am alive I stay put where I am. It is only when I am dead that I move about here and there. Who am I?
Ans. Scroll Down for answer

11. How can you be behind a person when that person is also behind you?
Ans. Scroll Down for answer
*
*
*
*
Answers:

1. Throw the ball straight up

2. 'e'

3. Your fingers

4. The past

5. An echo.

6. They are triplets.

7. There were only three persons at the table comprising a grandfather, his son and his grandson.

8. Mount Everest, of course. It was always there!

9. In a dictionary.

10. A leaf.

11. Put yourself back to back of each other.

Om Jai Google Hare --- parady of Om Jai Jagdish Hare

Om Jai Google Hare !! Swami Om Jai Google hare

Programmer's ke sankat, Developers ke Sankat,
Click main door kare!! Om Jai Google Hare !!!

Jo Dhyawe vo pawe, dukh bin se man ka, Swami dukh bin se man ka,
Homepage ki sampatti lawe, Homework ki sampatti karave kasht mite work ka,
Swami Om Jai Google Hare !!!

Tum puran search engine, Tum hi internet yaami,
Swami Tum hi internet yaami, Paar karo hamari Salari,
Paar karo hamari apprisal, Tum dunia ke swami,
Swami Om Jai Google Hare !!!

Tum information ke saagar, Tum palan karta,
swami Tum palan karta, Main moorakh khalkamii,
Main Searcher tum Server-ami Tum karta dhartaa !!
Swami Om Jai Google Hare !!!

Din bandhu dukh harta, tum rakshak mere,
Swami tum thakur mere, Apni search dikhaao,
sare research karao Site par khada mei
Swami Om Jai Google Hare !!!

Bolo Google Bhagwan ki jai!!

Couldn't quote a single as so many were good...

Customer : Waiter, do you serve pigs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.


Lady : Is this my train? Station
Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi. Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.


Customer : How much is the rate of banana?
Salesman : 1 rupee.
Cus : 60 paisekku varadha??
Sal : 60 paisekku thol than varum.
Cus : Intha 40 paisea. Thola vachukittu palatha kudu

Hey Krishna

Hey Krishna tu is kalyug mein aa kar to dikha..

Tune 18 saal ki umar me mama kans ko mara,
BIN LADEN ko hath laga kar to dikha..

Tune Arjun ko to Saari Geeta sunayee,
Mere Project Manager se ek baar baat kar ke to dikha. .
Tune to Arjun ka Sarathi banke Pandavon ko jitaaya
Indian Cricket team ka Coach ban ke WorldCup jitaake to dikha..

Hey Krishna tu is kalyug mein aa kar to dikha..

Tune bhari mehfil mein draupadi ko saree pehnai,
Mallika sherawat ko ek jodi kapde pehna ke to dikha..

Tune gokul ki 1600 gopiyan patai,
Meri company ki sirf ek ladki ko pata kar to dikha.

Nice Joke

A man sees a woman getting chased by a dog.
When the dog is about to bite the woman,
the man intervenes and kicks the dog.
A reporter was seeing all this.
He said "That was great. I'll definitely publish this in newspaper.
Tomorrow the headline will be 'LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM A DOG'."
The man replied "Thank you, but I'm not from here. I am from US".
Reporter " OK.
Then the headline will be US CITIZEN SAVES WOMAN FROM A
DOG".
Man: Actually, I live in US but I'm not a US citizen. I'm a Pakistani
national".
Next day, the headline in the paper read ....
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TERRORIST ATTACKS A LOCAL DOG....